I feel crazy.

I feel crazy.

I think about why life...I dream about how life... You know what I have no clue about what I am doing here in life. I try so hard to figure it out so I can try and cope with it but it drains me with no answers. I sit and ponder why people are the way they are, why the world is so cruel, does good still exist? I feel the need to try and make people do what I feel they should do or what I believe they should be when I really have no clue what I am doing or who I am.

 Do we ever know who we are?

I awake every morning thinking "what a great day to be aliv.." Then the all too real reality hits me. " How am I going to pay that bill, Did I miss a doctors appointment or registration day? Did my kids even get a bath yesterday? Is someone going to die today?..........". My worries kill me. Everyday. They haunt every second of every hour. They haunt my dreams, they haunt all the moments I have that are supposed to be fun. The constant writing of lists does not help anymore. My once virtue of writing poetry seems so un-fulfilling now. I have so much riding on me, I feel, and when I mess up Im a failure. Its a snowball affect where one mess up leads to another. Everyone worries or feels out of touch most of the time, with me, it seems like the most stupid things are the center of the pain. When I come to a stop sign I have to make sure no one is coming because I feel like a car's brakes will fail and hit my children. The lasagna doesn't taste like it did the last time I made it. There is a scratch on the wall!!! Who touched my purse?The list goes on and no matter how badly I would love to write that list, I wont. These things upset me do badly.

Scared of the inevitable, maybe?

I dream of a life where I can snap my fingers and what I wanted would come to reality. I dream I take care of my entire family financially and I am able to rescue them from all financial burden. A time where I have no medical problems. A relationship at its peak and standstill of perfection. A relationship with God so perfect it borders the rim of heaven. The ability to change strangers lives however I can.  WHY CANT I DO THESE THINGS!!! The desire burning so flared and hot, why isn't it enough to be able to do this? 

I live in this fantasy land.

I am done for the night, ranting about how crazy I feel right now but until next time... 

Why do you believe we must suffer to the point of losing our minds?